People Are Strange...

(People Are Strange, The Doors)

Man... I can't shake this frigging cough. I've been sick for going on three weeks now. It just won't go away. It isn't getting any worse, though.

Other than that, I've had a pretty fantastic birthday weekend. I saw a friend that I don't get to see nearly often enough, spent time with both Marcel and my family without getting yelled at even once, and it wasn't even ridiculously awkward.

The craft sale was a lot of fun too. It was nice to come back and play high school music, and be able to play it really easily. I guess it just feels good to prove that I have moved forward at least a little in my abilities.

I won't get to come home until exams are over, now. That's not for another couple of weeks. I have to spend two weekends here... Maybe Marcy will come down for one of them. He said that he might. I guess, if I spend two weekends here, that makes it three weeks. Well... Two and a half, because I'm only here until Wednesday or so, after the second weekend. Still. That's a long time. I guess I'm just really dependant on being in contact with people that I care about. (Who am I kidding? I really just mean Marcy.) I don't even know what I would do if we break up, for whatever reason. I would cry. A lot. I know that much. But, after the fact, I don't know how I would deal with it. I don't really want to think about it, because then I'll get started on the religion tangent, which never ends well.

I wonder if most people can cut off a train of thought the way I can? I see something coming that I don't like, I just start thinking about something else. Maybe I'm just strange. Who knows.

What a Day This Has Been

(Almost Like Being In Love, Nat King Cole)

Actually, what a weekend. Big adventure, this weekend was. There was a near-accident on the way home, some interesting happenings on Friday night, a day full of chaos on Saturday, and a concert, a dinner out and an hour in the back of a car with Marcel's mother and sister. What a weekend.

Anyway... It sort of begins to occur to me that I should think about going to sleep, rather than sitting up all night watching movies and wasting my life on the internet. I just don't feel like sleeping. I have too much pent-up thought in me, that I don't really have any way of expressing.

Such is life, I guess.

Let It Be

(Let It Be, The Beatles)

My poor neglected blog... I haven't posted in a while. I guess I haven't had much to say in a while.

I was home this weekend... and craziness ensued, of course. But I won't get into that. Because that's more personal than I am willing to get here. :P

I came back to my residence to find that there had been some crazy drama over the weekend... Apparently the two more vocal of my roommates have had a major spat regarding the cleanliness of our apartment... Which, no doubt, is largely my fault. Because I am a big slob. At any rate, one of my roommates is talking about not coming back to Laurier next semester, or that she wants to move, if she does. I think she's just in a heated mood, so I don't think she's serious... But I think everyone just needs to calm down about this whole ordeal. Whatever... We'll see how it works out.

It's Cold and Lonely in the Deep Dark Night

(Paradise By the Dashboard Light, Meat Loaf)

Saw 3... What a good movie. I have yet to decide whether I like it as much as the first two... As usual, it was dumbed down... Which I dislike. The first one took you a little while to figure out exactly what happened. I know I personally needed to take a minute, after the movie was finished, and go over it in my mind. (Maybe that's just me, because I'm dumb, though. :P) This one was made based on the assumption that the public are morons. (Is moronic?) I hate it when things are dumbed down. The end of the DaVinci code did that too... But, regardless of the dumbing-down of the ending, it was still pretty good.

**SPOILERS**
I liked the fact that Amanda turned out not to be quite as much of a souless bitch, because she had some emotion. On the other hand, she did turn out to be much more of a souless bitch, because she just killed people, and didn't "play the game." I don't know... Even the "bad guys" have to have some personality, right? There was a lot left unexplained, though. Who was Jigsaw's woman? What's the story there? What was in the envelope? What in the world was the significance of Amanda cutting herself? It seemed really to just be thrown in there for the sake of adding more gore and disturbing imagery. It could have been made clear that she was upset in much more effective ways... and that kind of bothers me. I guess I'm pretty critical about movies... They can't be dumbed down, and it can't have pointless things in it that just feed the public hunger for gore/sex/explosions. Most of the gore in Saw 3 was justified... Though it's hard to imagine where jigsaw comes up with the resources for all of these trials... The manner of the killings just keeps getting more and more elaborate and ridiculous. The rib-ripping thing was a bit much for me.
**END SPOILER**

Overall, definitely worth seeing, if you liked the first ones.

On to more personal, and less analytical things: I went to the movie with a guy I've met here. (Completely platonic, I might add.) Marcy made a snide remark about not getting too scared... Wouldn't want me to start clinging to this other guy. It was a joke, made in good humour, but I know him well enough to know when something is niggling at the back of his mind. (Or, at least I think that I do... I hope so.) Maybe I should stick to group activities. :P

I Would Do Anything For Love...

(I Would Do Anything For Love, Meat Loaf)

What a depressing weekend this has been... I was at a wedding. While weddings are nice, this one was particularily depressing, for reasons I will not go into. There were many tears shed, these past few days. Many of them mine, but not all. I think there will likely be many more...

I have reacted very badly to being asked, - no, demanded - to change the basic structure of my beliefs. I don't know that it can be done. Christianity is not what I fit into. I don't even know how to describe it. It just isn't right, to me. The idea of becoming Christian scares me, and even repulses me. The idea that I need to do so in order to stay with the one that I love is far scarier still. I don't know how to make Marcel understand what it is he is asking me to do, and how I feel about this whole thing. He knows that I am upset, and hurt, but I think that he only realizes the portion of that directed at him. I have a lot of things going through my mind right now... Very little of it has been negatively directed at him. Every now and again I have a slight burst of anger at the unfairness of it all, and at the fact that he has no idea how I really feel about this, because I can't explain it. Even that is more at myself than at him.

Bah... I have ranted enough. I don't know what more I can say, with any point... I guess much of this should be said to Marcel... Who will likely never read this. I love him... but really, can I change who I am for him? And if I can, do I want to?

I Can't Seem to Find the Quiet Inside My Mind

(Quiet, John Mayer)

It's so quiet here. Everyone is gone. I am all by myself. I would give anything to have some company. Some REAL company. Not quasi-strangers, being politely friendly. I would give anything to have Marcel here, or my parents. Anyone. I can't sit here, by myself and stay sane.

I have been watching movies, so far. That has been keeping me entertained, though only marginally. At least I am getting some knitting done. What Dreams May Come may be my all time favorite movie. It's too bad that no one else likes it. It is the only movie that has made me cry every single time I have watched it. Admittedly, I have been in an unhappy situation every time I have watched it. I just wish that there was someone here. Someone that I can talk to, and not just make polite conversation with. I can't even call Marcello... He is away. I have spent the afternoon on the phone with my mom and my brother.

I don't understand why I can't just read a book or something, and be content by myself. People are out, being crazy and drunk and having fun... I don't want to go with them. I want to be with the people I love... I miss them. I need them.

I just wish I could pull myself out of this... But I don't know if anyone else can either.

Now I'm Sleepin' On The Sidewalk

(Sleeping on the Sidewalk, Queen)

Okay, not the sidewalk, the closet. Seriously. Okay... It's not a closet. It's a "storage room." But it may as well be a closet. It has no windows, and only enough room for a matress and the coat-rack type thing along the other wall. I have to sleep, and Rafia stays up all night studying, so instead of her studying in the common room, I sleep in the closet. Does this strike anyone besides me as a little unfair? I guess that just sort of comes with the territory of being a doormat... You get walked all over. (Man, I am so funny.)

I'm still lost in the swirling abyss of midterms... I am in rough shape, I think. My listening stuff is tomorrow, as well as the aural (and oral) stuff. Which is really the part that I am the least ready for. I have been studying like crazy, but I still don't feel ready for it. We'll see. I know I will have to work my ass off, though to keep my marks decent, because I am NOT doing well so far. (Not for lack of trying.) Like I said, we'll see how things work out.

You [my imaginary readers] may be wondering why my titles really have nothing to do with the content of these entries... It's because they are mostly song lyrics that the contents of the entry remind me of.

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

(Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Elton John)

No one saved my life, actually... Someone refrained from ending my life. How's that?

So, I almost got run down today. There were screeching tires, and everything. I was crossing the street, and looking at the ground, because I was thinking about something, and I just heard a tire-screeching noise, and then, all of a sudden, there was a car, within arms reach. It was terrifying. I think there have been very few times in my life when I have been that scared. I'm still kind of shaken up, to be honest. It was very, very scary.

...In other news... Oh wait... I don't have any other news. Never mind. I am really shaky now. Bah. Silly nerves. Some guy did ask me if I was okay, though. It didn't really help at all... but it was a nice gesture.

Janie's Got a Gun...

(Janie's Got a Gun, Aerosmith)

Not only has my roommate relocated herself to our room, after having been in the living room, and NOT using the internet, to make noise and study and make noise, but she sits in here and CRACKS HER FUCKING GUM FOR HOURS. She doesn't even stop when I am clearly lying in bed, and trying to sleep. I hope that she realizes how extremely mad I am getting about this... But she doesn't. Because I have not said anything to her. I will do with this what I do with everything else. I will do nothing. Because I am a doormat. I will just get angrier and angrier, and never confront her about it. That's just what I do. Fuck, I wish I could stand up for myself.

We're Here For a Good Time, Not a Long Time

(We're Here For a Good Time, Trooper)

I have succesfully recovered from last night's antics... I must say, fun was had. I am mildly surprised that I didn't feel much worse than I did this morning.

My parents came by today. We went to the orchestra concert, and dinner and Chapters. Nothing could be wrong with a day like that! I enjoy seeing people that I know. I am getting better with the people here, but I still miss those at home. I just wish that more of them could come up here sometimes. I think I might go to disc this Wednesday, because I would really like to see Marcy, if even for a little bit. I realize that it is mildly pathetic... But I can't help it. I miss him. Probably moreso than I do my own family. Largely because I don't see him nearly as often, I guess.

Well, I'm going to truncate that particular broken-record topic.

I need to work on my apathy problem. I can't motivate myself to do smart things... Like study for theory, which I am borderline failing. Instead I am sitting here writing in my blog that no one reads, about things that no one cares about. Even now, I have no intention of going and doing theory; I am going to knit, or play the guitar, or something equally pointless. Ah, well. It's what I do.

Let Me Sleep On It; I'll Give You an Answer in the Morning.

(Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Meatloaf)

Apparently Joe Alessi* is coming here... To Laurier! Right here! To where I live! I am quite excited about it. But... he is coming on a day when I have a masterclass... So that means that either the masterclass will be postponed (good) or I will have to play for Joe Alessi. (BAD!) That would be the most terrifying thing... I hope not. But.. Joe Alessi! SO EXCITING! Two weeks from now. I am ecstatic.

On a more somber note, I have been thinking a lot lately about all the crazy things that happened between Amanda and I, and how I wish I still had something like that. (Not like what it became, towards the end... but what we had, when we were close.) I have yet to find another person who understands me and cares about me as she did, and that I understand and care about as much as I did. I want to say Marcel does, but it's different. Amanda just knew what I meant, all the time. She could read me like a book, and I her. I really do miss that, even if I don't miss all the mishaps that came with it. It almost makes me wish that I could bring that back. I don't think that I will ever have another friend like her. It's a pity, really. Then I realize that, in the end, that we can't go back, and even if we could, I don't think that I could deal with the stress that came with our relationship. Well, what's done is done, and I can only wonder what would have happened otherwise.


* Arguably the best orchestral trombone player in the world.

True Love Waits

By Radiohead. One of the many songs that has made me cry. (Today.)

Want some more?

• Animals, by Nickelback (Perhaps it's better that you don't ask about that one. The reasoning behing that one is complicated. Basically, Animals in combination with True Love Waits is what did it.)
• Into the West by Annie Lennox (That song is just very very sad.)
• Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf (Quite frankly, I don't even understand why that one would do it.)
• Lips of an Angel by Hinder
• Jumper by Third Eye Blind
• Broken by Seether
• I'm Already There by Lonestar (I know... Country. I'm sorry.)

I guess that's it for now... I really want to expand on all this... I think perhaps that is a journal thing, though. Not so much a publicly readable document. You know. I'll probably get off on a rant someday. We'll see.

Death Wish?

I am drinking a cup of mango tea. I must say, it is quite good. Let's see what comes of it. I don't even really care, at this point. I may regret it later... but what is that to me now? Aside from that, it is too late to think better of it, so why bother regretting it?

I wish I could approach everything like that. I wish I could do things, accept that they are done, and not regret it.

I made someone cry, yesterday. More than once. I regret it more than you would believe. I can't be content to just live with things the way that they are... I always fill my head full of "what if's" and it ruins everything. What if Marcel and I randomly start hating each other, and then this whole problem never comes up? Then I will have stirred up all this garbage for no reason. I made him feel so bad... That wasn't what I meant to do at all. I didn't want him upset... I don't ever want him to be that upset.

What can I do to fix this?

Happy Hump Day!

It's hump day... That means only two more sleeps until I get to go home for Thanksgiving! Hurray! This is going to be an eventful weekend/rest of week for me. I have to get all my stuff done for Skillz and Theory, before friday, and if I'm really energetic, I'll do Monday's stuff too, so I don't feel so guilty about not doing anything on the weekend. :P

At any rate, this week hasn't been so bad, thus far. I was home last weekend, and my days have been busy enough. I am still looking forward to coming home on Friday, though. There should be some awesome times. Which I will not go into detail about here. :P I guess, if I hope to get any of the stuff done that I need to do, I should get on it, instead of wasting the evening online. I really will this time, too.

I just remembered... I have a theory test on Friday... I should really study for that, too. And I wonder how I did on that Italian test the other day? I guess only time will tell.

Have a wonderful hump day!

Actonia: An Update

I think that I just might think about doing that again... I am glad to have been there, even if it was rainy, and miserable, and altogether not long enough.

Upon saying goodbye, I wondered to myself if the time that we spent together is worth all the pain when we have to say goodbye again... Then I decided that it definitely is. I think that it is worth much more.

But, this is just another way for me to procrastinate, and not do my homework, so I should probably get down to that and do some work.

Actonia!

I am going to Acton! I am so excited! (Sung to the tune of that playground taunt thing.)

Anyway... I definitely think that, looking back on things, I probably should have looked over my theory rudiments before the test... as I seem to have completely forgotten everything I once knew about intervals... and that is a problem for me... Considering we're supposed to know it backwards and forwards... Ah well. I'll catch up... I hope.

So, Acton! I am taking the bus to Acton... and I am quite excited. I miss the people there! A lot! (I don't really mean "people," when I say "people," but anyone who reads this , (no one,) will know what I mean.)

I need to go and do some crazy theory things, before theory class... So no ridiculously long ranty post for me, right now. Maybe tonight. :P

Seriously... WTF.

Someone has been phoning our apartment, repeatedly, since 5:00. It is, at this point, 5:27 AM. There is little hope of me getting back to sleep now... Which isn't great, considering I only went to sleep at 12:30 or so. It wouldn't even bother me if I knew what it was. If it was something important, that couldn't wait until tomorrow, and they actually ANSWERED when someone picked up, then I wouldn't be so vehemently upset about this. I want to just *69 and call them back and bitch them out. Loudly. Seriously, it's 5 AM. What the HELL could you possibly want from us? There are certain people that I would forgive for calling... Certain people that I would even WELCOME a call from, at 5 AM... But that is only applicable if they SAY something.

Okay... I am really mad, and really tired... I am going to try to go back to sleep. And if it was you... I am going to end your life. :P

What A Day

Today is a standard Monday... I have far too many classes than is good for me, complete with a theory test that I am not at all ready for, and I have a job interview, in the only significant piece of spare time I have this afternoon. Maybe Galaxy Cinemas won't be as bad as Timmy's or McD's. I know it can't smell as bad.

The weekends are long and difficult for me. I tend to just sit in my room, wallowing in my own misery. I am quite tired of going out and meeting new people and being politely sociable. I want to be my normal, hermitty self, with the people that I already know and care about. Well, hopefully I will be able to pop by home for a visit later this week, even if I can't come back for the weekend. We'll see.

Life, As I Know It

Why do people react so badly to change? I thought I could deal with the change, but obviously not. Others are going through similar crises, but why? Suddenly, when you're pulled away from everything you love, what you thought you wanted to do with your life doesn't seem so important. I have been having a very hard time justifying this to myself, really. Why would I go through all this, the pain of being away from those that I love, and spending all the money that I don't have, and going through the ordeals of school again? To do something that will get me nowhere in life anyway? What good does a music degree do? Tell me that. Why am I here? Because I couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. Because I have no marketable skills. Because, if I didn't have this, I would be at Tim Horton's, for the rest of my life. I know that, but what am I going to do after university? My degree will get me almost nowhere. I will have to teach, regardless of what I want to do. I will not be able to make a living just playing. What have I done to my life?

My roommate is going through a similar trial, right now. I don't know that she's being entirely truthful, but I can't blame her, because she barely knows me. She says that her existence here seems meaningless, and that she just wants to go home.

The latter I understand. Come to think of it, why AM I here? I am not contributing to society... I am not even really being trained to contribute to society later.

Well, I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I'll just have to sit in it until I die, or find some way to climb out and figure out something useful to do with my life.

I wonder, do I make a real difference in anyone's life? My first reaction would be to say my parents', but it's not that I make a difference in their lives, it's that they are my parents. I don't want to ask the question "would anyone care if I died?" because I know very well that people would be very upset; I'm not as angsty as all that. I just want to know, what difference do I make to anyone? My family would function just as well without me. I don't really serve any purpose in it. If I had never been, very little would be different. I think, perhaps I have made a difference in Lara's life. I know that she would have had a very rough time, without a friend like I was, during high school. Was. How sad that sounds.

At any rate, that's the only real difference I can think of. What good am I doing here? I am learning to make music... that very few people listen to or care about. I am learning to become a dying breed of musician. Is it enough to make that little difference to a few people; to give that little bit of entertainment to that select few? Is that enough to make my life worthwhile?

Have I made a difference to Marcel? Doubtful. I love him like no one else, and I do believe that he loves me. But he would have managed, if it had never been. Likely very little that matters would be different. What have I done for him? I have been a comfort, through what? I have caused more problems for him than I have helped him with. I have helped him with nothing. I use him as a crutch, and have done no good for him.

Wow. My life is meaningless. I was using this as a hypothetical train of thought, trying to think of somewhere that I have made a difference... but there really is nowhere significant. Are the little things that I have done for people enough to merit an entire life?

I wish I could stand on my own two legs. I wish I weren't so... I don't even know the word... Unstable? This is so frustrating. I think I am going to go for a walk.

Wouldn't You Hate To Live In MY World?

It's stuff like this that makes me question my own sanity, sometimes.

On Sleep Deprivation

I find I do my best thinking, and my least coherent speaking, late at night. The two are not conducive to anyone understanding my thoughts, but at least I get it.

I was thinking this evening, (more accurately, I was randomly text-babbling, which led to thought,) about how I have changed in the past year or so. There has been a lot of changes. For one, I have become very dependent on others. That could be seen as a good thing, or a bad one. I personally see it as a bad one, having had much pride in my former self-reliance. I suppose it is better for my overall mental health if I unload some of my thoughts on someone, rather than bottling it up, and doing dumb things. Perhaps I should work on keeping a few of them to myself, though. I really never stop talking, if I find someone who will listen.

Maybe that's all I do... Find someone who will tolerate my nonsense, and cling to them until we are separated, for whatever reason. That certainly seems like the pattern. First with Greg, then with Amanda, then with Lara, and now with Marcel. Maybe this one will end better, though. The rest have all ended in us going our seperate ways, and not talking to one another. Honestly, it is quite sad, because, in all of those cases, we were very good, close friends. I will not let that happen to Marcel and I, though. I will make a valiant effort to stop annoying the hell out of him, though. Honestly... I never stop talking. Ever.

Until I realize that I should be sleeping, of course. Which I have just done. And will go and do now.

Finally, Back Where I Belong

At school again. Thank goodness. I missed it. :P What can I say? I'm a loser.

But, I am glad to be not working, at least for a while. I know I'll have to get a job, in short order, because I am poor. But for now, I will enjoy it while I can.

I'm slowly getting used to the roommate thing... I was worried about my roommate being a drunken sex addict... but, compared to her, I am a drunken sex addict. :P (Which I really am not, by the way.) I'm still really missing home... I'm not settled in yet, and used to not being around the people that I love. I guess I'll just have to suck it up, for the time being. I am excited about going home next weekend! I know we'll be doing Kyle's birthday stuff... But I'll be home. I don't like being so far away. But... We'll see how it goes. I'm off to prepare for classes... by that I mean find out where they are. Hurrah!

New Developments

I guess, considering the fact that I have not updated this in over a year, the title "New Developments" is a bit non-descriptive. I refer specifically to the developments of myself, as a person, over the past year and a half or so.

Superficially, there have been many goings on. In the last year I have gained a boyfriend, applied to and been accepted to university, bought myself a trombone and a laptop, had many, many firsts, some good and some bad, and the list goes on and on.

On a deeper level, I have changed vastly. I have become almost an entirely different person
than the one I knew. I often find myself wondering what happened to the shy, anthropophobic person I was in high school. I didn't mind who I was, then. Recently I have been paying attention to the things that I do, and I think that, if I were another person, I would actually hate me. (That especially if I were looking at things from a position of someone who knows me.) Quite frankly, I don't know how people tolerate me. I just don't like myself anymore. I am very dependent, which just irks me, I never stop talking, regardless of who wants to hear what I am saying, I have no self-control or willpower, I am thoughtless and self-centered, and I have no idea what to do about any of these things. It frustrates me.

My boyfriend tells me that he loves me... and I do love him. I just can't understand how he doesn't think of me as the most annoying person on the face of the earth. I think of myself that way. I annoy me. The one thing that brought this all on was him commenting that I am always cuddly and hanging on him, even when he obviously is very tired. I realized that it was true, and I want to fix it. That started me thinking about how I would never have been like this a year ago, and about all the things that have changed, over that time. One wouldn't think that I was the same person.

I don't really have much to say on the subject, as I haven't had tim to think about it. Perhaps later.