My Strange Dream

Bryan and I are at a giant gathering of people. A lot of my extended and immediate family are there, so I want to think that it was a family reunion of some kind, held at a public place like a hall. We are sitting at a table and socializing with some members of my family, and we notice that in another part of this large place there is a big wedding going on. Lots of people watching, a small chamber group playing, everyone all dressed in black and white. We continue socializing for a while, talking to various members of my family, and then Bryan pulls me aside and says to me "Let's get married."
"I thought that was our plan already?" I am confused.
"I mean today."
"Right now?"
"Now."
I think for a few seconds, blinking stupidly, running over the plausibility of this idea. After a long moment of staring at Bryan and not saying anything, I nod slowly and eventually manage to spit out "...Yeah. Okay, let's do it."
We wait until the other wedding has finished up and cleared out, and Bryan goes to talk to the person who married the couple. I go and talk to some members of the chamber group. One of them turns out to be someone I know and she is glad to play for us. She asks me what song I would like for our processional, and I give her a very specific answer, but I wish I could remember what it was. After a few organizational things, I have somehow come up with a dress (it is light blue) and Bryan has found himself a suit. Our processional is very short, as the wedding party is composed of what family members we could come up with. My parents are there, in the wedding party. Bryan's father and brother are there, his father standing with my parents and his brother, as well as mine, in the makeshift wedding party. My musician friend plays the processional song that I had chosen on the piano. I remember it being very light and cheerful, and not at all solemn like processionals usually are. Once our families have paraded through the little hall, I step into the door, to the opening chords of the Bridal Chorus (of course), and see that there are almost no people in attendance. A few aunts and uncles, and that's about all. At first I am very sad about this, but then I turn my eyes to the front of the room and forget all about it.
I remember the room really vividly. The entire interior is a light coloured natural wood, the floors, walls and high ceiling all matching. Upon thinking about it now, it reminds me of the hall at the Milton Agricultural Museum. Off to the right of the main doors is a little alcove where my piano playing acquaintance is seated. The left wall is covered in high windows and the sun is pouring in. The hall is still decorated from the previous wedding; a long green carpet with gold edges rolled down the center aisle, yellow and green flowers on the ends of the rows of what are clearly dining room chairs. A small raised platform is set up at the end of the aisle where Bryan is standing with an older, grey-haired guy with glasses, dressed in a black suit. Presumably this is the man he has convinced to marry us.
I don't remember the ceremony itself, I just remember feeling so happy I could explode, and leaving the hall in a giddy run, Bryan holding my hand.
Later, I assume a couple of hours later, Bryan and I have both changed back into normal clothes and we are back to socializing with family members. I talk to several people, and the conversations are largely "I hear you just got married!" Apparently none of the family members here knew that it was happening at the time.
The dream kind of trails off at the end, finishing with me and Bryan leaving the hall at the end of the event and going home and getting into bed.

When I woke up this morning I was torn between being really happy and confused. The dream ended with me falling asleep, in much the same situation I was in when I woke up. For a second I lied there thinking "Did that happen?" and then I realized for certain that it was a dream and yesterday was just an average day.

This dream was mostly just weird because of how vividly I remember the whole thing. I usually forget everything about my dreams a few minutes after waking up. Not only that, but I don't usually have happy dreams; they are usually neutral at best. Especially not after being as down as I was yesterday. The other thing that makes it strange is the distinct lack of strangeness. Everything in this dream was a plausible thing that could happen in reality, and did not defy any laws of nature, physics or logic.

...Weird.

Life, As I Know It

Why do people react so badly to change? I thought I could deal with the change, but obviously not. Others are going through similar crises, but why? Suddenly, when you're pulled away from everything you love, what you thought you wanted to do with your life doesn't seem so important. I have been having a very hard time justifying this to myself, really. Why would I go through all this, the pain of being away from those that I love, and spending all the money that I don't have, and going through the ordeals of school again? To do something that will get me nowhere in life anyway? What good does a music degree do? Tell me that. Why am I here? Because I couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. Because I have no marketable skills. Because, if I didn't have this, I would be at Tim Horton's, for the rest of my life. I know that, but what am I going to do after university? My degree will get me almost nowhere. I will have to teach, regardless of what I want to do. I will not be able to make a living just playing. What have I done to my life?

My roommate is going through a similar trial, right now. I don't know that she's being entirely truthful, but I can't blame her, because she barely knows me. She says that her existence here seems meaningless, and that she just wants to go home.

The latter I understand. Come to think of it, why AM I here? I am not contributing to society... I am not even really being trained to contribute to society later.

Well, I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I'll just have to sit in it until I die, or find some way to climb out and figure out something useful to do with my life.

I wonder, do I make a real difference in anyone's life? My first reaction would be to say my parents', but it's not that I make a difference in their lives, it's that they are my parents. I don't want to ask the question "would anyone care if I died?" because I know very well that people would be very upset; I'm not as angsty as all that. I just want to know, what difference do I make to anyone? My family would function just as well without me. I don't really serve any purpose in it. If I had never been, very little would be different. I think, perhaps I have made a difference in Lara's life. I know that she would have had a very rough time, without a friend like I was, during high school. Was. How sad that sounds.

At any rate, that's the only real difference I can think of. What good am I doing here? I am learning to make music... that very few people listen to or care about. I am learning to become a dying breed of musician. Is it enough to make that little difference to a few people; to give that little bit of entertainment to that select few? Is that enough to make my life worthwhile?

Have I made a difference to Marcel? Doubtful. I love him like no one else, and I do believe that he loves me. But he would have managed, if it had never been. Likely very little that matters would be different. What have I done for him? I have been a comfort, through what? I have caused more problems for him than I have helped him with. I have helped him with nothing. I use him as a crutch, and have done no good for him.

Wow. My life is meaningless. I was using this as a hypothetical train of thought, trying to think of somewhere that I have made a difference... but there really is nowhere significant. Are the little things that I have done for people enough to merit an entire life?

I wish I could stand on my own two legs. I wish I weren't so... I don't even know the word... Unstable? This is so frustrating. I think I am going to go for a walk.

So, It's Been A While...

Yeah, it's been a long time since I've bothered to post. That is mostly because any time I have thought of something worth writing about, I have not been near the computer, so I don't bother, and forget. It also has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't had a lot of terrible days lately, so I haven't felt the urge to bitch nad whine like I usually do.

Today, on the other hand...

Would you like to hear about it? Of course you would.

I actually had a lovely day. I managed to crawl out of bed about 20 minutes later than was wise, pulled some clothes on, and went to work. I spent the better part of my day learning how to make sandwiches, and that was okay too. My entire day was just ruined at 14:45.

Some lady came in, and asked me if we would be able to call a cab for her. Me being new there, I didn't know if we could do that, so I went to ask someone about it. I couldn't find her, so I took a couple of minutes. I then came back to ask the woman what the number of a cab place was, and she told me. So I went back and clarified with the manager that I should call, and then went back out to ask the lady where she needed to go to, because apparently we needed to know that. She told me where she was going, and asked if it would take much longer, because she'd been there for like half an hour, and she could have walked there by now. (Needless to say, she had been there less than ten minutes.) So, I finally went back, and discussed the call with the manager for ten seconds or so, and then tried to call, only to hear "Your call could not be completed as dialed. Please check the number, and try your call again." So, I went out to speak to the woman about it, and said that the number didn't work, to which she replied, "Well, that is the number I call every day." And I said that it didn't work, and apologized, at which point she stormed out of the store, with a "Thanks for nothing." Directed at me.

Well, I'm sorry, I will never go out of my way to help someone ever again, for fear of the fact that something totally beyond my control would prohibit me from doing it satisfactorily. I just can't believe that she had the nerve to get angry with me, for not being able to do something for her that I clearly was under no obligation to do, or to even consider doing.

...People like her just shatter my general faith in humanity.

And that was my day.