I Would Do Anything For Love...

(I Would Do Anything For Love, Meat Loaf)

What a depressing weekend this has been... I was at a wedding. While weddings are nice, this one was particularily depressing, for reasons I will not go into. There were many tears shed, these past few days. Many of them mine, but not all. I think there will likely be many more...

I have reacted very badly to being asked, - no, demanded - to change the basic structure of my beliefs. I don't know that it can be done. Christianity is not what I fit into. I don't even know how to describe it. It just isn't right, to me. The idea of becoming Christian scares me, and even repulses me. The idea that I need to do so in order to stay with the one that I love is far scarier still. I don't know how to make Marcel understand what it is he is asking me to do, and how I feel about this whole thing. He knows that I am upset, and hurt, but I think that he only realizes the portion of that directed at him. I have a lot of things going through my mind right now... Very little of it has been negatively directed at him. Every now and again I have a slight burst of anger at the unfairness of it all, and at the fact that he has no idea how I really feel about this, because I can't explain it. Even that is more at myself than at him.

Bah... I have ranted enough. I don't know what more I can say, with any point... I guess much of this should be said to Marcel... Who will likely never read this. I love him... but really, can I change who I am for him? And if I can, do I want to?


I Can't Seem to Find the Quiet Inside My Mind

(Quiet, John Mayer)

It's so quiet here. Everyone is gone. I am all by myself. I would give anything to have some company. Some REAL company. Not quasi-strangers, being politely friendly. I would give anything to have Marcel here, or my parents. Anyone. I can't sit here, by myself and stay sane.

I have been watching movies, so far. That has been keeping me entertained, though only marginally. At least I am getting some knitting done. What Dreams May Come may be my all time favorite movie. It's too bad that no one else likes it. It is the only movie that has made me cry every single time I have watched it. Admittedly, I have been in an unhappy situation every time I have watched it. I just wish that there was someone here. Someone that I can talk to, and not just make polite conversation with. I can't even call Marcello... He is away. I have spent the afternoon on the phone with my mom and my brother.

I don't understand why I can't just read a book or something, and be content by myself. People are out, being crazy and drunk and having fun... I don't want to go with them. I want to be with the people I love... I miss them. I need them.

I just wish I could pull myself out of this... But I don't know if anyone else can either.


Now I'm Sleepin' On The Sidewalk

(Sleeping on the Sidewalk, Queen)

Okay, not the sidewalk, the closet. Seriously. Okay... It's not a closet. It's a "storage room." But it may as well be a closet. It has no windows, and only enough room for a matress and the coat-rack type thing along the other wall. I have to sleep, and Rafia stays up all night studying, so instead of her studying in the common room, I sleep in the closet. Does this strike anyone besides me as a little unfair? I guess that just sort of comes with the territory of being a doormat... You get walked all over. (Man, I am so funny.)

I'm still lost in the swirling abyss of midterms... I am in rough shape, I think. My listening stuff is tomorrow, as well as the aural (and oral) stuff. Which is really the part that I am the least ready for. I have been studying like crazy, but I still don't feel ready for it. We'll see. I know I will have to work my ass off, though to keep my marks decent, because I am NOT doing well so far. (Not for lack of trying.) Like I said, we'll see how things work out.

You [my imaginary readers] may be wondering why my titles really have nothing to do with the content of these entries... It's because they are mostly song lyrics that the contents of the entry remind me of.


Someone Saved My Life Tonight

(Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Elton John)

No one saved my life, actually... Someone refrained from ending my life. How's that?

So, I almost got run down today. There were screeching tires, and everything. I was crossing the street, and looking at the ground, because I was thinking about something, and I just heard a tire-screeching noise, and then, all of a sudden, there was a car, within arms reach. It was terrifying. I think there have been very few times in my life when I have been that scared. I'm still kind of shaken up, to be honest. It was very, very scary.

...In other news... Oh wait... I don't have any other news. Never mind. I am really shaky now. Bah. Silly nerves. Some guy did ask me if I was okay, though. It didn't really help at all... but it was a nice gesture.

Janie's Got a Gun...

(Janie's Got a Gun, Aerosmith)

Not only has my roommate relocated herself to our room, after having been in the living room, and NOT using the internet, to make noise and study and make noise, but she sits in here and CRACKS HER FUCKING GUM FOR HOURS. She doesn't even stop when I am clearly lying in bed, and trying to sleep. I hope that she realizes how extremely mad I am getting about this... But she doesn't. Because I have not said anything to her. I will do with this what I do with everything else. I will do nothing. Because I am a doormat. I will just get angrier and angrier, and never confront her about it. That's just what I do. Fuck, I wish I could stand up for myself.


We're Here For a Good Time, Not a Long Time

(We're Here For a Good Time, Trooper)

I have succesfully recovered from last night's antics... I must say, fun was had. I am mildly surprised that I didn't feel much worse than I did this morning.

My parents came by today. We went to the orchestra concert, and dinner and Chapters. Nothing could be wrong with a day like that! I enjoy seeing people that I know. I am getting better with the people here, but I still miss those at home. I just wish that more of them could come up here sometimes. I think I might go to disc this Wednesday, because I would really like to see Marcy, if even for a little bit. I realize that it is mildly pathetic... But I can't help it. I miss him. Probably moreso than I do my own family. Largely because I don't see him nearly as often, I guess.

Well, I'm going to truncate that particular broken-record topic.

I need to work on my apathy problem. I can't motivate myself to do smart things... Like study for theory, which I am borderline failing. Instead I am sitting here writing in my blog that no one reads, about things that no one cares about. Even now, I have no intention of going and doing theory; I am going to knit, or play the guitar, or something equally pointless. Ah, well. It's what I do.


Let Me Sleep On It; I'll Give You an Answer in the Morning.

(Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Meatloaf)

Apparently Joe Alessi* is coming here... To Laurier! Right here! To where I live! I am quite excited about it. But... he is coming on a day when I have a masterclass... So that means that either the masterclass will be postponed (good) or I will have to play for Joe Alessi. (BAD!) That would be the most terrifying thing... I hope not. But.. Joe Alessi! SO EXCITING! Two weeks from now. I am ecstatic.

On a more somber note, I have been thinking a lot lately about all the crazy things that happened between Amanda and I, and how I wish I still had something like that. (Not like what it became, towards the end... but what we had, when we were close.) I have yet to find another person who understands me and cares about me as she did, and that I understand and care about as much as I did. I want to say Marcel does, but it's different. Amanda just knew what I meant, all the time. She could read me like a book, and I her. I really do miss that, even if I don't miss all the mishaps that came with it. It almost makes me wish that I could bring that back. I don't think that I will ever have another friend like her. It's a pity, really. Then I realize that, in the end, that we can't go back, and even if we could, I don't think that I could deal with the stress that came with our relationship. Well, what's done is done, and I can only wonder what would have happened otherwise.

* Arguably the best orchestral trombone player in the world.


True Love Waits

By Radiohead. One of the many songs that has made me cry. (Today.)

Want some more?

  • Animals, by Nickelback (Perhaps it's better that you don't ask about that one. The reasoning behing that one is complicated. Basically, Animals in combination with True Love Waits is what did it.)
  • Into the West by Annie Lennox (That song is just very very sad.)
  • Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf (Quite frankly, I don't even understand why that one would do it.)
  • Lips of an Angel by Hinder
  • Jumper by Third Eye Blind
  • Broken by Seether
  • I'm Already There by Lonestar (I know... Country. I'm sorry.)
I guess that's it for now... I really want to expand on all this... I think perhaps that is a journal thing, though. Not so much a publicly readable document. You know. I'll probably get off on a rant someday. We'll see.


Death Wish?

I am drinking a cup of mango tea. I must say, it is quite good. Let's see what comes of it. I don't even really care, at this point. I may regret it later... but what is that to me now? Aside from that, it is too late to think better of it, so why bother regretting it?

I wish I could approach everything like that. I wish I could do things, accept that they are done, and not regret it.

I made someone cry, yesterday. More than once. I regret it more than you would believe. I can't be content to just live with things the way that they are... I always fill my head full of "what if's" and it ruins everything. What if Marcel and I randomly start hating each other, and then this whole problem never comes up? Then I will have stirred up all this garbage for no reason. I made him feel so bad... That wasn't what I meant to do at all. I didn't want him upset... I don't ever want him to be that upset.

What can I do to fix this?


Happy Hump Day!

It's hump day... That means only two more sleeps until I get to go home for Thanksgiving! Hurray! This is going to be an eventful weekend/rest of week for me. I have to get all my stuff done for Skillz and Theory, before friday, and if I'm really energetic, I'll do Monday's stuff too, so I don't feel so guilty about not doing anything on the weekend. :P

At any rate, this week hasn't been so bad, thus far. I was home last weekend, and my days have been busy enough. I am still looking forward to coming home on Friday, though. There should be some awesome times. Which I will not go into detail about here. :P I guess, if I hope to get any of the stuff done that I need to do, I should get on it, instead of wasting the evening online. I really will this time, too.

I just remembered... I have a theory test on Friday... I should really study for that, too. And I wonder how I did on that Italian test the other day? I guess only time will tell.

Have a wonderful hump day!