Actonia: An Update

I think that I just might think about doing that again... I am glad to have been there, even if it was rainy, and miserable, and altogether not long enough.

Upon saying goodbye, I wondered to myself if the time that we spent together is worth all the pain when we have to say goodbye again... Then I decided that it definitely is. I think that it is worth much more.

But, this is just another way for me to procrastinate, and not do my homework, so I should probably get down to that and do some work.



I am going to Acton! I am so excited! (Sung to the tune of that playground taunt thing.)

Anyway... I definitely think that, looking back on things, I probably should have looked over my theory rudiments before the test... as I seem to have completely forgotten everything I once knew about intervals... and that is a problem for me... Considering we're supposed to know it backwards and forwards... Ah well. I'll catch up... I hope.

So, Acton! I am taking the bus to Acton... and I am quite excited. I miss the people there! A lot! (I don't really mean "people," when I say "people," but anyone who reads this , (no one,) will know what I mean.)

I need to go and do some crazy theory things, before theory class... So no ridiculously long ranty post for me, right now. Maybe tonight. :P


Seriously... WTF.

Someone has been phoning our apartment, repeatedly, since 5:00. It is, at this point, 5:27 AM. There is little hope of me getting back to sleep now... Which isn't great, considering I only went to sleep at 12:30 or so. It wouldn't even bother me if I knew what it was. If it was something important, that couldn't wait until tomorrow, and they actually ANSWERED when someone picked up, then I wouldn't be so vehemently upset about this. I want to just *69 and call them back and bitch them out. Loudly. Seriously, it's 5 AM. What the HELL could you possibly want from us? There are certain people that I would forgive for calling... Certain people that I would even WELCOME a call from, at 5 AM... But that is only applicable if they SAY something.

Okay... I am really mad, and really tired... I am going to try to go back to sleep. And if it was you... I am going to end your life. :P


What A Day

Today is a standard Monday... I have far too many classes than is good for me, complete with a theory test that I am not at all ready for, and I have a job interview, in the only significant piece of spare time I have this afternoon. Maybe Galaxy Cinemas won't be as bad as Timmy's or McD's. I know it can't smell as bad.

The weekends are long and difficult for me. I tend to just sit in my room, wallowing in my own misery. I am quite tired of going out and meeting new people and being politely sociable. I want to be my normal, hermitty self, with the people that I already know and care about. Well, hopefully I will be able to pop by home for a visit later this week, even if I can't come back for the weekend. We'll see.


Life, As I Know It

Why do people react so badly to change? I thought I could deal with the change, but obviously not. Others are going through similar crises, but why? Suddenly, when you're pulled away from everything you love, what you thought you wanted to do with your life doesn't seem so important. I have been having a very hard time justifying this to myself, really. Why would I go through all this, the pain of being away from those that I love, and spending all the money that I don't have, and going through the ordeals of school again? To do something that will get me nowhere in life anyway? What good does a music degree do? Tell me that. Why am I here? Because I couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. Because I have no marketable skills. Because, if I didn't have this, I would be at Tim Horton's, for the rest of my life. I know that, but what am I going to do after university? My degree will get me almost nowhere. I will have to teach, regardless of what I want to do. I will not be able to make a living just playing. What have I done to my life?

My roommate is going through a similar trial, right now. I don't know that she's being entirely truthful, but I can't blame her, because she barely knows me. She says that her existence here seems meaningless, and that she just wants to go home.

The latter I understand. Come to think of it, why AM I here? I am not contributing to society... I am not even really being trained to contribute to society later.

Well, I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I'll just have to sit in it until I die, or find some way to climb out and figure out something useful to do with my life.

I wonder, do I make a real difference in anyone's life? My first reaction would be to say my parents', but it's not that I make a difference in their lives, it's that they are my parents. I don't want to ask the question "would anyone care if I died?" because I know very well that people would be very upset; I'm not as angsty as all that. I just want to know, what difference do I make to anyone? My family would function just as well without me. I don't really serve any purpose in it. If I had never been, very little would be different. I think, perhaps I have made a difference in Lara's life. I know that she would have had a very rough time, without a friend like I was, during high school. Was. How sad that sounds.

At any rate, that's the only real difference I can think of. What good am I doing here? I am learning to make music... that very few people listen to or care about. I am learning to become a dying breed of musician. Is it enough to make that little difference to a few people; to give that little bit of entertainment to that select few? Is that enough to make my life worthwhile?

Have I made a difference to Marcel? Doubtful. I love him like no one else, and I do believe that he loves me. But he would have managed, if it had never been. Likely very little that matters would be different. What have I done for him? I have been a comfort, through what? I have caused more problems for him than I have helped him with. I have helped him with nothing. I use him as a crutch, and have done no good for him.

Wow. My life is meaningless. I was using this as a hypothetical train of thought, trying to think of somewhere that I have made a difference... but there really is nowhere significant. Are the little things that I have done for people enough to merit an entire life?

I wish I could stand on my own two legs. I wish I weren't so... I don't even know the word... Unstable? This is so frustrating. I think I am going to go for a walk.



On Sleep Deprivation

I find I do my best thinking, and my least coherent speaking, late at night. The two are not conducive to anyone understanding my thoughts, but at least I get it.

I was thinking this evening, (more accurately, I was randomly text-babbling, which led to thought,) about how I have changed in the past year or so. There has been a lot of changes. For one, I have become very dependent on others. That could be seen as a good thing, or a bad one. I personally see it as a bad one, having had much pride in my former self-reliance. I suppose it is better for my overall mental health if I unload some of my thoughts on someone, rather than bottling it up, and doing dumb things. Perhaps I should work on keeping a few of them to myself, though. I really never stop talking, if I find someone who will listen.

Maybe that's all I do... Find someone who will tolerate my nonsense, and cling to them until we are separated, for whatever reason. That certainly seems like the pattern. First with Greg, then with Amanda, then with Lara, and now with Marcel. Maybe this one will end better, though. The rest have all ended in us going our seperate ways, and not talking to one another. Honestly, it is quite sad, because, in all of those cases, we were very good, close friends. I will not let that happen to Marcel and I, though. I will make a valiant effort to stop annoying the hell out of him, though. Honestly... I never stop talking. Ever.

Until I realize that I should be sleeping, of course. Which I have just done. And will go and do now.


Finally, Back Where I Belong

At school again. Thank goodness. I missed it. :P What can I say? I'm a loser.

But, I am glad to be not working, at least for a while. I know I'll have to get a job, in short order, because I am poor. But for now, I will enjoy it while I can.

I'm slowly getting used to the roommate thing... I was worried about my roommate being a drunken sex addict... but, compared to her, I am a drunken sex addict. :P (Which I really am not, by the way.) I'm still really missing home... I'm not settled in yet, and used to not being around the people that I love. I guess I'll just have to suck it up, for the time being. I am excited about going home next weekend! I know we'll be doing Kyle's birthday stuff... But I'll be home. I don't like being so far away. But... We'll see how it goes. I'm off to prepare for classes... by that I mean find out where they are. Hurrah!