28.8.06

New Developments

I guess, considering the fact that I have not updated this in over a year, the title "New Developments" is a bit non-descriptive. I refer specifically to the developments of myself, as a person, over the past year and a half or so.

Superficially, there have been many goings on. In the last year I have gained a boyfriend, applied to and been accepted to university, bought myself a trombone and a laptop, had many, many firsts, some good and some bad, and the list goes on and on.

On a deeper level, I have changed vastly. I have become almost an entirely different person
than the one I knew. I often find myself wondering what happened to the shy, anthropophobic person I was in high school. I didn't mind who I was, then. Recently I have been paying attention to the things that I do, and I think that, if I were another person, I would actually hate me. (That especially if I were looking at things from a position of someone who knows me.) Quite frankly, I don't know how people tolerate me. I just don't like myself anymore. I am very dependent, which just irks me, I never stop talking, regardless of who wants to hear what I am saying, I have no self-control or willpower, I am thoughtless and self-centered, and I have no idea what to do about any of these things. It frustrates me.

My boyfriend tells me that he loves me... and I do love him. I just can't understand how he doesn't think of me as the most annoying person on the face of the earth. I think of myself that way. I annoy me. The one thing that brought this all on was him commenting that I am always cuddly and hanging on him, even when he obviously is very tired. I realized that it was true, and I want to fix it. That started me thinking about how I would never have been like this a year ago, and about all the things that have changed, over that time. One wouldn't think that I was the same person.

I don't really have much to say on the subject, as I haven't had tim to think about it. Perhaps later.
Post a Comment