(I Would Do Anything For Love, Meat Loaf)
What a depressing weekend this has been... I was at a wedding. While weddings are nice, this one was particularily depressing, for reasons I will not go into. There were many tears shed, these past few days. Many of them mine, but not all. I think there will likely be many more...
I have reacted very badly to being asked, - no, demanded - to change the basic structure of my beliefs. I don't know that it can be done. Christianity is not what I fit into. I don't even know how to describe it. It just isn't right, to me. The idea of becoming Christian scares me, and even repulses me. The idea that I need to do so in order to stay with the one that I love is far scarier still. I don't know how to make Marcel understand what it is he is asking me to do, and how I feel about this whole thing. He knows that I am upset, and hurt, but I think that he only realizes the portion of that directed at him. I have a lot of things going through my mind right now... Very little of it has been negatively directed at him. Every now and again I have a slight burst of anger at the unfairness of it all, and at the fact that he has no idea how I really feel about this, because I can't explain it. Even that is more at myself than at him.
Bah... I have ranted enough. I don't know what more I can say, with any point... I guess much of this should be said to Marcel... Who will likely never read this. I love him... but really, can I change who I am for him? And if I can, do I want to?