It's Not Sane...

(No Rain, Blind Melon)

Holy fuck. I can't believe I'm still awake. I haven't been to bed before 04:00 at all this week, but this is just ridiculous. I hate not being able to sleep. HATE it. Today is going to be a long day, I'm sure. Jazz until 22:00. LONG day.

I have been doing some serious thinking. You might even border to call it soul-searching. I need to get away from outside influences. I need to go out and be a hermit for a little while. Just think, without people telling me their opinions. I wish I could take off for a week. A weekend, even. I have come to accept that Marcel and I will almost definitely not get back together. I still wish that it would happen, but I know that it likely won't. I am trying to find what I believe, and I can't let what I want myself to believe, for him, get in the way of that.

What I really want to do is go off on a vision quest, in a manner of speaking. Maybe not exactly that, but something along those lines. I need to get away from everything. All distractions and outside influences. I know it won't happen. Maybe I should take a weekend, and just go somewhere. I wish I could. I wish I could afford it, and I wish I could spare the time from the rest of my life. I want to say the important parts of my life, but what is more important? Knowing who I am and what I think, and my own identity, or having some money now? I guess that's a matter of perspective. For my physical well-being, work is more important. I'm not sure if I value my mental, emotional and spiritual well-being below that. Maybe I will just run off for a while. I doubt it. But it would be nice.

You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy

(You May Be Right, Billy Joel)

It's interesting to note the impressions that I give to people, upon having known them for very little time. To Tyler, I come off as creepy. To Dice, (who's real name I forget,) I come off as calm and apathetic. I actually don't know how other people view me, as much as I would like to. I don't want to ask, because that would just seem strange. I don't mind being strange, to a point. I'm okay with being the entertaining kind of strange, that people like to be around because they're quirky. I don't want to be the awkward kind of strange that people are afraid to talk to, because they are analyzing everything they say. (While that is probably closer to the truth, it's not how I'd like to be percieved... People don't make friends that way.)

I kind of wonder what people think, after I leave, or after they have just spoken to me. Do they shudder and try to forget it, or what? It would be interesting to know stuff like that. I don't know maybe I'm just nuts.


Won't Somebody Please Take Me Home?

(Damn Cold Night, Avril Lavigne)

So, the bunch of us went to see a house today... Three of us had already seen it, and loved it. The last two saw it today, and liked it a lot. We decided this evening that we were going to live there. We called the landlord, to say we would sign the lease tomorrow. He told us a group was coming to do that tonight.

I am enraged. I was all prepared to sign today, but we had to wait for David to talk to his father, so we couldn't sign. If this happens again, I will just sign the damn thing myself. FUCK. I am really mad.

I don't really have anything to say, aside from further expressing my homicidal rage.

We're continuing our house shopping tomorrow, I think. There had better be something good.