20.9.06

Life, As I Know It

Why do people react so badly to change? I thought I could deal with the change, but obviously not. Others are going through similar crises, but why? Suddenly, when you're pulled away from everything you love, what you thought you wanted to do with your life doesn't seem so important. I have been having a very hard time justifying this to myself, really. Why would I go through all this, the pain of being away from those that I love, and spending all the money that I don't have, and going through the ordeals of school again? To do something that will get me nowhere in life anyway? What good does a music degree do? Tell me that. Why am I here? Because I couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. Because I have no marketable skills. Because, if I didn't have this, I would be at Tim Horton's, for the rest of my life. I know that, but what am I going to do after university? My degree will get me almost nowhere. I will have to teach, regardless of what I want to do. I will not be able to make a living just playing. What have I done to my life?

My roommate is going through a similar trial, right now. I don't know that she's being entirely truthful, but I can't blame her, because she barely knows me. She says that her existence here seems meaningless, and that she just wants to go home.

The latter I understand. Come to think of it, why AM I here? I am not contributing to society... I am not even really being trained to contribute to society later.

Well, I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I'll just have to sit in it until I die, or find some way to climb out and figure out something useful to do with my life.

I wonder, do I make a real difference in anyone's life? My first reaction would be to say my parents', but it's not that I make a difference in their lives, it's that they are my parents. I don't want to ask the question "would anyone care if I died?" because I know very well that people would be very upset; I'm not as angsty as all that. I just want to know, what difference do I make to anyone? My family would function just as well without me. I don't really serve any purpose in it. If I had never been, very little would be different. I think, perhaps I have made a difference in Lara's life. I know that she would have had a very rough time, without a friend like I was, during high school. Was. How sad that sounds.

At any rate, that's the only real difference I can think of. What good am I doing here? I am learning to make music... that very few people listen to or care about. I am learning to become a dying breed of musician. Is it enough to make that little difference to a few people; to give that little bit of entertainment to that select few? Is that enough to make my life worthwhile?

Have I made a difference to Marcel? Doubtful. I love him like no one else, and I do believe that he loves me. But he would have managed, if it had never been. Likely very little that matters would be different. What have I done for him? I have been a comfort, through what? I have caused more problems for him than I have helped him with. I have helped him with nothing. I use him as a crutch, and have done no good for him.

Wow. My life is meaningless. I was using this as a hypothetical train of thought, trying to think of somewhere that I have made a difference... but there really is nowhere significant. Are the little things that I have done for people enough to merit an entire life?

I wish I could stand on my own two legs. I wish I weren't so... I don't even know the word... Unstable? This is so frustrating. I think I am going to go for a walk.
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