At A Loss

I want to write. It's not even that; I want to create something. I find myself constantly in a state of creative frustration where all I want is to put pen to paper and write something. It's not as specific as that, however; I would be as happy to write a song, or a poem or to paint or draw or sculpt, I just don't know where to begin. My muse (a concept that I am not entirely supportive of, but that is an aside for another day) has been disconcertingly silent for a long time now. Not only that, but I find myself often frustrated when I do set something to paper (or the applicable media) with the fact that I am not good enough at whatever it is I am doing to create the vision that I started with.

This creative frustration has been a sticking point for me for several months now. Is this something that other people come across? Do other people get accosted by the desire to create, but lack any idea as to what they should actually set out to do?

I have tried to start a bunch of projects, but none have yet turned out the way I envisioned them, and I am left feeling distinctly unsatisfied. I am supposed to be creating the artwork for a hypothetical children's book; maybe that will satiate my creative drive.

For now I have settled myself into a rut of reading often. I know that reading a lot does not make you a good writer, but I can at least direct my energy into absorbing a story and maybe learning something. If nothing else it keeps me from wasting my entire days on the mindless void of arguments and cat pictures that is the internet.

Won't Somebody Please Take Me Home?

(Damn Cold Night, Avril Lavigne)

So, the bunch of us went to see a house today... Three of us had already seen it, and loved it. The last two saw it today, and liked it a lot. We decided this evening that we were going to live there. We called the landlord, to say we would sign the lease tomorrow. He told us a group was coming to do that tonight.

I am enraged. I was all prepared to sign today, but we had to wait for David to talk to his father, so we couldn't sign. If this happens again, I will just sign the damn thing myself. FUCK. I am really mad.

I don't really have anything to say, aside from further expressing my homicidal rage.

We're continuing our house shopping tomorrow, I think. There had better be something good.

Janie's Got a Gun...

(Janie's Got a Gun, Aerosmith)

Not only has my roommate relocated herself to our room, after having been in the living room, and NOT using the internet, to make noise and study and make noise, but she sits in here and CRACKS HER FUCKING GUM FOR HOURS. She doesn't even stop when I am clearly lying in bed, and trying to sleep. I hope that she realizes how extremely mad I am getting about this... But she doesn't. Because I have not said anything to her. I will do with this what I do with everything else. I will do nothing. Because I am a doormat. I will just get angrier and angrier, and never confront her about it. That's just what I do. Fuck, I wish I could stand up for myself.

Seriously... WTF.

Someone has been phoning our apartment, repeatedly, since 5:00. It is, at this point, 5:27 AM. There is little hope of me getting back to sleep now... Which isn't great, considering I only went to sleep at 12:30 or so. It wouldn't even bother me if I knew what it was. If it was something important, that couldn't wait until tomorrow, and they actually ANSWERED when someone picked up, then I wouldn't be so vehemently upset about this. I want to just *69 and call them back and bitch them out. Loudly. Seriously, it's 5 AM. What the HELL could you possibly want from us? There are certain people that I would forgive for calling... Certain people that I would even WELCOME a call from, at 5 AM... But that is only applicable if they SAY something.

Okay... I am really mad, and really tired... I am going to try to go back to sleep. And if it was you... I am going to end your life. :P

So, It's Been A While...

Yeah, it's been a long time since I've bothered to post. That is mostly because any time I have thought of something worth writing about, I have not been near the computer, so I don't bother, and forget. It also has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't had a lot of terrible days lately, so I haven't felt the urge to bitch nad whine like I usually do.

Today, on the other hand...

Would you like to hear about it? Of course you would.

I actually had a lovely day. I managed to crawl out of bed about 20 minutes later than was wise, pulled some clothes on, and went to work. I spent the better part of my day learning how to make sandwiches, and that was okay too. My entire day was just ruined at 14:45.

Some lady came in, and asked me if we would be able to call a cab for her. Me being new there, I didn't know if we could do that, so I went to ask someone about it. I couldn't find her, so I took a couple of minutes. I then came back to ask the woman what the number of a cab place was, and she told me. So I went back and clarified with the manager that I should call, and then went back out to ask the lady where she needed to go to, because apparently we needed to know that. She told me where she was going, and asked if it would take much longer, because she'd been there for like half an hour, and she could have walked there by now. (Needless to say, she had been there less than ten minutes.) So, I finally went back, and discussed the call with the manager for ten seconds or so, and then tried to call, only to hear "Your call could not be completed as dialed. Please check the number, and try your call again." So, I went out to speak to the woman about it, and said that the number didn't work, to which she replied, "Well, that is the number I call every day." And I said that it didn't work, and apologized, at which point she stormed out of the store, with a "Thanks for nothing." Directed at me.

Well, I'm sorry, I will never go out of my way to help someone ever again, for fear of the fact that something totally beyond my control would prohibit me from doing it satisfactorily. I just can't believe that she had the nerve to get angry with me, for not being able to do something for her that I clearly was under no obligation to do, or to even consider doing.

...People like her just shatter my general faith in humanity.

And that was my day.