18.1.07

It's Not Sane...

(No Rain, Blind Melon)

Holy fuck. I can't believe I'm still awake. I haven't been to bed before 04:00 at all this week, but this is just ridiculous. I hate not being able to sleep. HATE it. Today is going to be a long day, I'm sure. Jazz until 22:00. LONG day.

I have been doing some serious thinking. You might even border to call it soul-searching. I need to get away from outside influences. I need to go out and be a hermit for a little while. Just think, without people telling me their opinions. I wish I could take off for a week. A weekend, even. I have come to accept that Marcel and I will almost definitely not get back together. I still wish that it would happen, but I know that it likely won't. I am trying to find what I believe, and I can't let what I want myself to believe, for him, get in the way of that.

What I really want to do is go off on a vision quest, in a manner of speaking. Maybe not exactly that, but something along those lines. I need to get away from everything. All distractions and outside influences. I know it won't happen. Maybe I should take a weekend, and just go somewhere. I wish I could. I wish I could afford it, and I wish I could spare the time from the rest of my life. I want to say the important parts of my life, but what is more important? Knowing who I am and what I think, and my own identity, or having some money now? I guess that's a matter of perspective. For my physical well-being, work is more important. I'm not sure if I value my mental, emotional and spiritual well-being below that. Maybe I will just run off for a while. I doubt it. But it would be nice.
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