Trombone Hate

So I am having a serious hate-on for life and my program and my professors right now. I don't really have any justification to be so enraged, because they are doing things by the system that they set out in the beginning, even if they consistently ignore it in every other case. (Even partially in this case.)

Here's the story:

I had my placement audition yesterday, and I was gunning for an orchestra placement. I had worked really hard to outplay those that I had to outplay, and to be generally competent. I was expecting that the guy who is a year ahead of me would get it, as he is hands-down a better player than me. Beth, the second player from last year, and I are on pretty level ground as far as playing ability goes, but I figured if I worked at it I could do better than her. I expected Brendan to be considered for bass trombone, because he is better than me at it. I accept that fact, but I thought I could maybe at least outdo him and get placed on bass. Earlier in the day I was talking to Brendan and he told me that he was not taking lessons. I was really surprised, knowing that he is a very good player. It turns out that he failed out of the program and is now an undeclared arts major. This made me incredibly happy, though I felt really cruel for it. Never in my life have I even heard of someone not in the music program being placed in the orchestra. It just doesn't happen. Ever. This got my hopes really high, and I was elated for the rest of the day. Until the auditions finished, of course. Heaven forbid I should actually get something that I had my hopes up for. The trombone prof came out of the audition room and talked a bit and proceeded to name off the people in the various ensembles. He numbered them off and pointed. "One..." He pointed to Tyler, like I expected. "Two..." He pointed to Beth. Oh well. There's always bass. "Three..." He looked around at the group assembled, hesitated for a minute, and Tyler said "Brandon left." It was at this point that I turned around and walked away.

Am I wrong for thinking that it is not right for a person in second year who failed out of their program to be given one of the three most coveted spaces in the ensembles, while someone who has worked their ass off to not fail out for three entrire years gets shafted to work with the newbies? I don't think I am.

Updates?

So here I am, still alive and still blog posting, if rarely. I guess I could give an update on my summer, as if everyone doesn't already know. I'm working at Swiss Chalet in the pantry, (and the joke about tossing salads all day stopped being funny a LONG time ago,) and still living with the same people plus Bryan. Living with Bryan is pretty wonderful, to be honest. I was worried that we wouldn't handle it well, but he and I have been handling it famously. He doesn't deal well with the roommates, but that is a temporary thing, and as long as he doesn't go berserk and try to break up because of the people that we live with, we should be able to move past the silly struggles that we have currently. (Which are few and far between, admittedly.) I have a few things that I need to work on in regards to the relationship, and he has his few at the same time. As that may imply, we have had a couple of good talks and sorted out the roots of our troubles and are working hard to get past them. Things are looking hopeful currently. (From my side of things at least.)

I am currently in the market for a second job, but I have not got my hopes up on that front. I am barely managing to afford my life currently, as I am only working part time really, and the income is not good enough to support me. Hopefully OSAP will be enough to live on for the school year, along with whatever I make at the Swiss. (Which will be minimal.)

I went back over that and realize that I really need to think as I'm writing about being coherent. I am sort of just doing a stream of consciousness kind of thing currently, and it comes out really babbly and not making a lot of sense. Here is me trying to make sense. Ready?

Life has been a bit of a struggle lately, between money troubles and relationship stresses, but I am working my way through both of those, and surviving. To be honest, that really sums up everything that I just said, in a nutshell. Oh well. I'll try and keep everyone posted when things actually happen in my life, which they almost never do.

...Sont Les Mots Qui Vont Très Bien Ensemble...

(Michelle, the Beatles)

Man am I ever tired of doing french homework. Like... Holy shit boredom. They tell me it's good for me. I guess they're right... If I ever work out this bilingualism thing, I'll be in good shape. I don't see that happening in the near future, though. We'll see.

Anyway! On with life!

I had a good solid three hours of sitting and chatting with a friend that I don't talk to a lot last night. We sat in the Timmy's that I used to work at and just talked and drank coffee (or hot chocolate) until 2 AM. We've decided that we are going to do an open mic night at Wilf's in September. It will be lots of fun. I will need to actually learn some songs, then. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I never get to perform anymore, so it will be good. Or maybe it will serve to remind me why I don't perform anymore. :P

I have recently had it brought to my attention that I am not very smart. I used to sort of think I was bright. I guess I'm just average, at best. Maybe even kind of slow. I think this might be a rant for a day when I don't have a french assignment to finish in a few hours. I will hopefully remember to touch on this later, because I've started it now. Later, though.

A la prochaine.

I Just Want To Scream

(Scream, Collective Soul)

Right now I am sitting in theory, not listening to the lesson. That is really bad. I need to know this stuff, and I don't really understand it, but I can't seem to pay attention, no matter how hard I try. Even when I try to pay attention I just fall asleep. That can be blamed on how badly I've been sleeping lately, I guess. Last night I was awake intermittently all night long. I worry far too much. I worry about people that I barely know, and I worry about school, and I worry about things that might not even happen, and things that might not even matter. What it boils down to is that I am downright neurotic. Pretty much.

I can't sleep. I begin to think that maybe this is journal stuff, rather than posting to the internet stuff. Then again, it doesn't matter. People are probably even less likely to read this. Whatever. I can't handle anything right now. I just want to scream.

Somehow I Know That There's Much More To Come

(Whisper, Evanescence)

I am so stressed. Everything is going on at once. Masterclass, which I just found out is for guest guy terrifies me... Because I'm not ready at all. I have to do my education essay and I don't even have a topic yet. I have to do my history essay and I have never even heard the piece that I'm writing about before. I have to do my education presentation. I have a skillz dictation coming up, which I am not ready for, mock auds in two weeks, and I'm sure there's something else I am forgetting. Programming assignments every week... I seriously can't handle all of this. I think maybe I might have to drop out of programming. No computer science minor for me. But... I'll tough it out. I'm smart enough for this. I know it. I think low sleep and bad nutrition are just making me cranky.

Besides that... I've been reading a book on and off since the beginning of the school year, and I just don't have the time to get into it... It seems like it would be fascinating, though. It's called This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science Behind a Human Obsession. Thus far it hasn't gotten into the really juicy stuff, but it's about what happens in the brain because of music. Why music has the power to make us all teary and whatnot, and how it affects people. (Remembering my rant about sad songs... I should continue that, come to think of it. It's a good rant.) Honestly, really really interesting. I wish I wasn't drowning in work so that I could read it.

I'm One Card Short Of A Full Deck...

(I'm Going Slightly Mad, Queen)

I was once really excited about playing Carmina Burana in wind ensemble. You would think that such a cool piece would be really fun to play... Here's a life lesson: Third trombone parts are almost never interesting. Ever. It kind of sucks. A lot.

In other news... I think I am going to explode from the workload this year. Seriously... All my music stuff, plus computer science, which has a ridiculous amount of class time. Labs, lectures... Six hours a week. On top of music stuff. It's enough to make a person go mad. If I keep missing programming lectures, I'm going to fail... But likewise, if I go all the time I'll go nuts.

You Know It Makes Me Want To Cry [Part II]

(Isn't Love Strange, Moody Blues)

I once got off on a list of songs that can make me cry... I realize that I am obsessed with such songs. Many people are. I wonder what it is about some people, that they just like to make themselves sad? It's the same with sappy chick-movies. My all-time favourite movie is possibly the saddest movie I have ever seen in my life. I have never, not once, sat through that movie without crying at least once. What Dreams May Come, with Robin Williams. I highly recommend this movie to my imaginary audience. (I guess Lee might read this, if I use it for my ed. journals. Whatever. I talk to myself.) Seriously... if you're in the mood for a good cry, sit down and watch this movie.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent. I was going to talk about some really sad songs.

This is my original list. I'll just expand on it a little.

• Into the West - Annie Lennox

This song is from the soundtrack of the third Lord of the Rings movie. It's a brilliant song, if you know the reference. Annie Lennox just has such a powerful, emotional voice, it really suits this song. It's sung to a dying person, assuring them that they'll meet again, and that the person is safe, and just going to sleep. I can't do it justice by explaining it... The lyrics won't do it a lot of justice either, but it's the best I can do.
Lay down / your sweet and weary head. / Night is falling, / you have come to journey's end. / Sleep now, / and dream of the ones who came before. / They are calling / from across a distant shore. / Why do you weep? / What are these tears upon your face? / Soon you will see / all of your fears will pass away. / Safe in my arms, / you're only sleeping. / What can you see / on the horizon? / Why do the white gulls call? / Across the sea / a pale moon rises. / The ships have come to carry you home, / and all will turn / to silver glass. / A light on the water, / all souls pass. / Hope fades / into the world of night, / through shadows falling / out of memory and time. / Don't say / we have come now to the end. / White shores are calling. / You and I will meet again, / and you'll be here in my arms, / just sleeping. / What can you see / on the horizon? / Why do the white gulls call? / Across the sea / a pale moon rises. / The ships have come to carry you home, / and all will turn / to silver glass. / A light on the water, / grey ships pass / into the West.
Knowing the reference in that one helps a lot. The line "All will turn to silver glass, a light on the water, grey ships pass into the West" is a sort of quote from the Lord of the Rings. Gandalf is talking to Merry about death and says "No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it... White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise." I just was touched by it.

• Lips of an Angel - Hinder

Also sad. Not one that would make me cry, though. It's a phone conversation, only hearing one side of the conversation, a guy talking to his ex-girlfriend who has called him late at night, and both saying that they miss each other, and never really moved on, but they can't talk, because they both have someone else, and can't go back. It's kind of sad.
The chorus: It's really good to hear your voice saying my name. / It sounds so sweet / coming from the lips of an angel, / hearing those words, it makes me weak. / And I never want to say goodbye, / but girl you make it hard to be faithful / with the lips of an angel.

• The Freshman - The Verve Pipe

I had to really think about it before I understood this one, but once I did, I realized it was pretty tragic. It's a guy remembering old relationships, one where the couple either had to get an abortion or get married, and the guilt from that, and the other where the girl killed herself. The first verse is the really meaningful one for me. When I was young I knew everything, / She a punk who never took advice. / Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor. / Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice.

• Jumper - Third Eye Blind

This one is obvious... It's a friend trying to talk a friend out of killing himself. Sad by definition.
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. / You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in. / And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.

• Try, Try, Try - Smashing Pumpkins

I actually have no idea what this song is actually about. I don't remember. The only time I have ever heard it was while I was watching the music video, which really distracts you from the contents of the song. The only lyrics I actually remember are "try to hold on" because it's repeated a bunch of times. The video, though is absolutely tragic. Youtube it. It's VERY sad. It's about a homeless couple, the girl is pregnant, she ends up selling herself for drug money, shooting up in a bathroom, and having a miscarriage, and being toted off to the hospital. Watch it. It is really, really tragic. This actually happens! This is real life stuff! ...I cried. I am not too big to admit it.
Alright, this is getting really long. I'll discuss the merits of sad songs again some other time. I definitely will, too. I'm thinking really hard about this now.

You're Not Listening Now, Can't You See?

(Empty Apartment, Yellowcard)

I wonder what it that makes a person so easy to ignore? Some people just get talked around, as if they aren't even there. I'm sure people have seen it happen. I think that people will rarely notice it. I am one of those people that, in conversations, get talked around, interrupted, and generally ignored. I re-met someone yesterday that actually spoke directly to me, and it really caught me off guard. It is a little sad that I have become so used to conversations going on around me (regardless of whether or not I try to be a part of them) that I am surprised when someone actually speaks to me. An example: When people are reminiscing, most of the time I will be listening to their story, completely lost as to what happened or what the memory is about. Most of the time I will ask a couple of times what they are talking about, or to hear the story, and then fade back into the background when no one deigns to explain it to me. This is not only random people, this is true of some of my best friends. Don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing them. It's just who they are, combined with who I am, I suppose. Is it just that I have a weak presence in a room? Do I just not demand attention like most people do? Maybe it's just in my nature; just part of being the way I am. Maybe people pick up on that without realizing it, and react accordingly in conversations. Maybe I am just overthinking this, as I do everything else, and it's just that people don't really like me, or think that I can contribute to their conversation. I realize that it is everyone that does it, though. My family, my friends; people that love me. People that choose to spend time with me. Why would they chose to spend time with me if they consciously thought that I was of no worth in conversation? I guess I just exude bland, uninteresting-ness. Maybe that's just me.

It's Not Sane...

(No Rain, Blind Melon)

Holy fuck. I can't believe I'm still awake. I haven't been to bed before 04:00 at all this week, but this is just ridiculous. I hate not being able to sleep. HATE it. Today is going to be a long day, I'm sure. Jazz until 22:00. LONG day.

I have been doing some serious thinking. You might even border to call it soul-searching. I need to get away from outside influences. I need to go out and be a hermit for a little while. Just think, without people telling me their opinions. I wish I could take off for a week. A weekend, even. I have come to accept that Marcel and I will almost definitely not get back together. I still wish that it would happen, but I know that it likely won't. I am trying to find what I believe, and I can't let what I want myself to believe, for him, get in the way of that.

What I really want to do is go off on a vision quest, in a manner of speaking. Maybe not exactly that, but something along those lines. I need to get away from everything. All distractions and outside influences. I know it won't happen. Maybe I should take a weekend, and just go somewhere. I wish I could. I wish I could afford it, and I wish I could spare the time from the rest of my life. I want to say the important parts of my life, but what is more important? Knowing who I am and what I think, and my own identity, or having some money now? I guess that's a matter of perspective. For my physical well-being, work is more important. I'm not sure if I value my mental, emotional and spiritual well-being below that. Maybe I will just run off for a while. I doubt it. But it would be nice.

People Are Strange...

(People Are Strange, The Doors)

Man... I can't shake this frigging cough. I've been sick for going on three weeks now. It just won't go away. It isn't getting any worse, though.

Other than that, I've had a pretty fantastic birthday weekend. I saw a friend that I don't get to see nearly often enough, spent time with both Marcel and my family without getting yelled at even once, and it wasn't even ridiculously awkward.

The craft sale was a lot of fun too. It was nice to come back and play high school music, and be able to play it really easily. I guess it just feels good to prove that I have moved forward at least a little in my abilities.

I won't get to come home until exams are over, now. That's not for another couple of weeks. I have to spend two weekends here... Maybe Marcy will come down for one of them. He said that he might. I guess, if I spend two weekends here, that makes it three weeks. Well... Two and a half, because I'm only here until Wednesday or so, after the second weekend. Still. That's a long time. I guess I'm just really dependant on being in contact with people that I care about. (Who am I kidding? I really just mean Marcy.) I don't even know what I would do if we break up, for whatever reason. I would cry. A lot. I know that much. But, after the fact, I don't know how I would deal with it. I don't really want to think about it, because then I'll get started on the religion tangent, which never ends well.

I wonder if most people can cut off a train of thought the way I can? I see something coming that I don't like, I just start thinking about something else. Maybe I'm just strange. Who knows.

What a Day This Has Been

(Almost Like Being In Love, Nat King Cole)

Actually, what a weekend. Big adventure, this weekend was. There was a near-accident on the way home, some interesting happenings on Friday night, a day full of chaos on Saturday, and a concert, a dinner out and an hour in the back of a car with Marcel's mother and sister. What a weekend.

Anyway... It sort of begins to occur to me that I should think about going to sleep, rather than sitting up all night watching movies and wasting my life on the internet. I just don't feel like sleeping. I have too much pent-up thought in me, that I don't really have any way of expressing.

Such is life, I guess.

It's Cold and Lonely in the Deep Dark Night

(Paradise By the Dashboard Light, Meat Loaf)

Saw 3... What a good movie. I have yet to decide whether I like it as much as the first two... As usual, it was dumbed down... Which I dislike. The first one took you a little while to figure out exactly what happened. I know I personally needed to take a minute, after the movie was finished, and go over it in my mind. (Maybe that's just me, because I'm dumb, though. :P) This one was made based on the assumption that the public are morons. (Is moronic?) I hate it when things are dumbed down. The end of the DaVinci code did that too... But, regardless of the dumbing-down of the ending, it was still pretty good.

**SPOILERS**
I liked the fact that Amanda turned out not to be quite as much of a souless bitch, because she had some emotion. On the other hand, she did turn out to be much more of a souless bitch, because she just killed people, and didn't "play the game." I don't know... Even the "bad guys" have to have some personality, right? There was a lot left unexplained, though. Who was Jigsaw's woman? What's the story there? What was in the envelope? What in the world was the significance of Amanda cutting herself? It seemed really to just be thrown in there for the sake of adding more gore and disturbing imagery. It could have been made clear that she was upset in much more effective ways... and that kind of bothers me. I guess I'm pretty critical about movies... They can't be dumbed down, and it can't have pointless things in it that just feed the public hunger for gore/sex/explosions. Most of the gore in Saw 3 was justified... Though it's hard to imagine where jigsaw comes up with the resources for all of these trials... The manner of the killings just keeps getting more and more elaborate and ridiculous. The rib-ripping thing was a bit much for me.
**END SPOILER**

Overall, definitely worth seeing, if you liked the first ones.

On to more personal, and less analytical things: I went to the movie with a guy I've met here. (Completely platonic, I might add.) Marcy made a snide remark about not getting too scared... Wouldn't want me to start clinging to this other guy. It was a joke, made in good humour, but I know him well enough to know when something is niggling at the back of his mind. (Or, at least I think that I do... I hope so.) Maybe I should stick to group activities. :P

I Would Do Anything For Love...

(I Would Do Anything For Love, Meat Loaf)

What a depressing weekend this has been... I was at a wedding. While weddings are nice, this one was particularily depressing, for reasons I will not go into. There were many tears shed, these past few days. Many of them mine, but not all. I think there will likely be many more...

I have reacted very badly to being asked, - no, demanded - to change the basic structure of my beliefs. I don't know that it can be done. Christianity is not what I fit into. I don't even know how to describe it. It just isn't right, to me. The idea of becoming Christian scares me, and even repulses me. The idea that I need to do so in order to stay with the one that I love is far scarier still. I don't know how to make Marcel understand what it is he is asking me to do, and how I feel about this whole thing. He knows that I am upset, and hurt, but I think that he only realizes the portion of that directed at him. I have a lot of things going through my mind right now... Very little of it has been negatively directed at him. Every now and again I have a slight burst of anger at the unfairness of it all, and at the fact that he has no idea how I really feel about this, because I can't explain it. Even that is more at myself than at him.

Bah... I have ranted enough. I don't know what more I can say, with any point... I guess much of this should be said to Marcel... Who will likely never read this. I love him... but really, can I change who I am for him? And if I can, do I want to?

I Can't Seem to Find the Quiet Inside My Mind

(Quiet, John Mayer)

It's so quiet here. Everyone is gone. I am all by myself. I would give anything to have some company. Some REAL company. Not quasi-strangers, being politely friendly. I would give anything to have Marcel here, or my parents. Anyone. I can't sit here, by myself and stay sane.

I have been watching movies, so far. That has been keeping me entertained, though only marginally. At least I am getting some knitting done. What Dreams May Come may be my all time favorite movie. It's too bad that no one else likes it. It is the only movie that has made me cry every single time I have watched it. Admittedly, I have been in an unhappy situation every time I have watched it. I just wish that there was someone here. Someone that I can talk to, and not just make polite conversation with. I can't even call Marcello... He is away. I have spent the afternoon on the phone with my mom and my brother.

I don't understand why I can't just read a book or something, and be content by myself. People are out, being crazy and drunk and having fun... I don't want to go with them. I want to be with the people I love... I miss them. I need them.

I just wish I could pull myself out of this... But I don't know if anyone else can either.

We're Here For a Good Time, Not a Long Time

(We're Here For a Good Time, Trooper)

I have succesfully recovered from last night's antics... I must say, fun was had. I am mildly surprised that I didn't feel much worse than I did this morning.

My parents came by today. We went to the orchestra concert, and dinner and Chapters. Nothing could be wrong with a day like that! I enjoy seeing people that I know. I am getting better with the people here, but I still miss those at home. I just wish that more of them could come up here sometimes. I think I might go to disc this Wednesday, because I would really like to see Marcy, if even for a little bit. I realize that it is mildly pathetic... But I can't help it. I miss him. Probably moreso than I do my own family. Largely because I don't see him nearly as often, I guess.

Well, I'm going to truncate that particular broken-record topic.

I need to work on my apathy problem. I can't motivate myself to do smart things... Like study for theory, which I am borderline failing. Instead I am sitting here writing in my blog that no one reads, about things that no one cares about. Even now, I have no intention of going and doing theory; I am going to knit, or play the guitar, or something equally pointless. Ah, well. It's what I do.

Let Me Sleep On It; I'll Give You an Answer in the Morning.

(Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Meatloaf)

Apparently Joe Alessi* is coming here... To Laurier! Right here! To where I live! I am quite excited about it. But... he is coming on a day when I have a masterclass... So that means that either the masterclass will be postponed (good) or I will have to play for Joe Alessi. (BAD!) That would be the most terrifying thing... I hope not. But.. Joe Alessi! SO EXCITING! Two weeks from now. I am ecstatic.

On a more somber note, I have been thinking a lot lately about all the crazy things that happened between Amanda and I, and how I wish I still had something like that. (Not like what it became, towards the end... but what we had, when we were close.) I have yet to find another person who understands me and cares about me as she did, and that I understand and care about as much as I did. I want to say Marcel does, but it's different. Amanda just knew what I meant, all the time. She could read me like a book, and I her. I really do miss that, even if I don't miss all the mishaps that came with it. It almost makes me wish that I could bring that back. I don't think that I will ever have another friend like her. It's a pity, really. Then I realize that, in the end, that we can't go back, and even if we could, I don't think that I could deal with the stress that came with our relationship. Well, what's done is done, and I can only wonder what would have happened otherwise.


* Arguably the best orchestral trombone player in the world.

True Love Waits

By Radiohead. One of the many songs that has made me cry. (Today.)

Want some more?

• Animals, by Nickelback (Perhaps it's better that you don't ask about that one. The reasoning behing that one is complicated. Basically, Animals in combination with True Love Waits is what did it.)
• Into the West by Annie Lennox (That song is just very very sad.)
• Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf (Quite frankly, I don't even understand why that one would do it.)
• Lips of an Angel by Hinder
• Jumper by Third Eye Blind
• Broken by Seether
• I'm Already There by Lonestar (I know... Country. I'm sorry.)

I guess that's it for now... I really want to expand on all this... I think perhaps that is a journal thing, though. Not so much a publicly readable document. You know. I'll probably get off on a rant someday. We'll see.

Death Wish?

I am drinking a cup of mango tea. I must say, it is quite good. Let's see what comes of it. I don't even really care, at this point. I may regret it later... but what is that to me now? Aside from that, it is too late to think better of it, so why bother regretting it?

I wish I could approach everything like that. I wish I could do things, accept that they are done, and not regret it.

I made someone cry, yesterday. More than once. I regret it more than you would believe. I can't be content to just live with things the way that they are... I always fill my head full of "what if's" and it ruins everything. What if Marcel and I randomly start hating each other, and then this whole problem never comes up? Then I will have stirred up all this garbage for no reason. I made him feel so bad... That wasn't what I meant to do at all. I didn't want him upset... I don't ever want him to be that upset.

What can I do to fix this?

What A Day

Today is a standard Monday... I have far too many classes than is good for me, complete with a theory test that I am not at all ready for, and I have a job interview, in the only significant piece of spare time I have this afternoon. Maybe Galaxy Cinemas won't be as bad as Timmy's or McD's. I know it can't smell as bad.

The weekends are long and difficult for me. I tend to just sit in my room, wallowing in my own misery. I am quite tired of going out and meeting new people and being politely sociable. I want to be my normal, hermitty self, with the people that I already know and care about. Well, hopefully I will be able to pop by home for a visit later this week, even if I can't come back for the weekend. We'll see.

Life, As I Know It

Why do people react so badly to change? I thought I could deal with the change, but obviously not. Others are going through similar crises, but why? Suddenly, when you're pulled away from everything you love, what you thought you wanted to do with your life doesn't seem so important. I have been having a very hard time justifying this to myself, really. Why would I go through all this, the pain of being away from those that I love, and spending all the money that I don't have, and going through the ordeals of school again? To do something that will get me nowhere in life anyway? What good does a music degree do? Tell me that. Why am I here? Because I couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. Because I have no marketable skills. Because, if I didn't have this, I would be at Tim Horton's, for the rest of my life. I know that, but what am I going to do after university? My degree will get me almost nowhere. I will have to teach, regardless of what I want to do. I will not be able to make a living just playing. What have I done to my life?

My roommate is going through a similar trial, right now. I don't know that she's being entirely truthful, but I can't blame her, because she barely knows me. She says that her existence here seems meaningless, and that she just wants to go home.

The latter I understand. Come to think of it, why AM I here? I am not contributing to society... I am not even really being trained to contribute to society later.

Well, I guess I've dug my own grave, and now I'll just have to sit in it until I die, or find some way to climb out and figure out something useful to do with my life.

I wonder, do I make a real difference in anyone's life? My first reaction would be to say my parents', but it's not that I make a difference in their lives, it's that they are my parents. I don't want to ask the question "would anyone care if I died?" because I know very well that people would be very upset; I'm not as angsty as all that. I just want to know, what difference do I make to anyone? My family would function just as well without me. I don't really serve any purpose in it. If I had never been, very little would be different. I think, perhaps I have made a difference in Lara's life. I know that she would have had a very rough time, without a friend like I was, during high school. Was. How sad that sounds.

At any rate, that's the only real difference I can think of. What good am I doing here? I am learning to make music... that very few people listen to or care about. I am learning to become a dying breed of musician. Is it enough to make that little difference to a few people; to give that little bit of entertainment to that select few? Is that enough to make my life worthwhile?

Have I made a difference to Marcel? Doubtful. I love him like no one else, and I do believe that he loves me. But he would have managed, if it had never been. Likely very little that matters would be different. What have I done for him? I have been a comfort, through what? I have caused more problems for him than I have helped him with. I have helped him with nothing. I use him as a crutch, and have done no good for him.

Wow. My life is meaningless. I was using this as a hypothetical train of thought, trying to think of somewhere that I have made a difference... but there really is nowhere significant. Are the little things that I have done for people enough to merit an entire life?

I wish I could stand on my own two legs. I wish I weren't so... I don't even know the word... Unstable? This is so frustrating. I think I am going to go for a walk.